downhill

as if tonight hasn't gotten any better I might as well I admit defeat for my secret lover they won't be with me screw it. This whole love thing is driving me insane anymore and I might end up losing it and doing something I might regret. I might just go away for about a month and see if anything has changed for good. I love him and he knows it but he doesn't give a damn. Then this other guy eric who I like picked my lover over me in such a trivial choice. I said I wanted to sit up front in eric's car and I told him to pick me or my lover and he said he wasn't going to pick. For me that is defintly not me and if Eric liked me he would have picked me. I am going to change my christmas wish to getting my secret lover thats all I want I don't care what else happens I just want that one thing to last forever. I have even tried asking my dad who is dead to help me beliving that my dad would even give a damn about me but no nothing happened. I have even asked from a high power to help me but nothing has happened. I know if I don't get my secret lover then I am screwed in the relationship department for ever. I have asked friends and they tell me to get over him but it isn't so easy to just give up on the one person you love. Like I said before this whole thing is making me go insane and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be 50 and single with no one loving me but it looks that way. Sometimes I wake up hoping it was a bad dream and that in reality he was with me but I wake up to a nightmare.